Day 9: How do you grieve

Good morning my sweet angels,

Daddy and I spent the night in last night. After having dinner with your Nanny and Great-Nonno we decided to head home and just unwind. It seems like the last 9 days have been non-stop and in my heart I needed to be alone. Nanny says I shouldn’t isolate myself but I’m really struggling with my grief.

When I’m out I feel guilty. I feel like I should be mourning and grieving for you girls differently yet I don’t know how. I cry each and every day and yet I still don’t feel like I’m grieving for you correctly.

I feel guilty girls. I feel angry and alone and scared at what the future holds. I’m broken and wish that I could rewind the clock and bring you back to us. How I would have done things differently had I known. But, reality is that you angels are no longer with us and Mommy is helpless. I often deal with feelings of failure. My promise to you the moment we found out about you girls was to protect you and I feel that I’ve failed you. Had I known – things would have been very different.

Daddy doesn’t want me thinking about the “what ifs”. He says that we did everything we could to save you and yet God had a different plan. I’m having a hard time accepting that part of God’s plan was to take my beautiful babies away. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to accept it.

I feel compelled to do things for you. Things that will keep your memories alive. How can we go about our daily lives when a little over a week ago our precious babies were ripped away from us. We’ve made you a scrap book and although it was incredibly helpful in connecting with you and feeling like we’d done something for you, it’s done now and there isn’t much left except for memories.

I hold onto those memories so tightly in my heart. I remember the long walks daddy and I used to take to keep me healthy at the beginning. I remember the decaf iced coffees Daddy would bring me home all summer. I remember shopping for maternity clothes with your Nanny and flipping through a name book to find your perfect names.  Although I remember all these things it feels like they happened in a different lifetime maybe even someone elses life?

Daddy and I spoke about what our future holds last night. It’s early still but we needed to discuss it. Daddy obviously wants many brothers and sisters for you angels and Mommy is just terrified. We’ve discussed our options and I think we’ve decided that we want to try and grow our family even more.  Mommy’s body is not ready yet but from what we discussed last night we’ll probably try for a little brother or sister as soon as my body is strong and healthy again.

Please know my beautiful angels that when Mommy and Daddy are ready to bring your little sister or brother into the world it does not mean you are forgotten or will ever be replaced. You girls are our first born princesses and your memories will live in our hearts forever.

We love you and cherish the few moments we had with you,

Mommy

 

Day 8: Trying to Understand

Angels,

Last night was really rough. Daddy and I were invited to your great-great Zia’s house for dinner. It’s wonderful how much support our families are showing us but at the same time I feel like they don’t understand.

We didn’t stay long. I couldn’t bare the conversation being normal when my heart is broken into an infinite number of pieces. I needed to be home where I could allow myself to think of you girls and cry if I needed to.

At 7:39 last night, Daddy and I were still. I wasn’t really sure what to do with myself and felt like I needed to honor the moment. The moment where you both lived and died. I sat there and thought of you Emma and how perfect you were. You looked just like Mommy.

At 8:41, Daddy and I were making your memory cards. Cutting and gluing cards that family and friends will leave you touching words on at your service sometime next week. 8:41 came so quickly, a week flew by just like that. Why couldn’t we be given that time with you instead of without you?

I’m fighting to understand the greater purpose for all of this but I just can’t. I spend hours and hours reading about loss to try and find some peace. In my heart, I know that you’ll never be given back to us yet I seek some peace in other people’s stories and experiences. I need to feel like someone else truly understands. Not feeling so alone in this experience is what’s getting me through most of the days.

Your Nonno said something that touched me the other day. We were showing Daddy’s family your scrapbook and talking about how perfect you angels were. Your Nonno said you were “heroes” and that your short time on earth served to protect our family and that your memories would remain in our hearts forever. Thanks to you beautiful angels, Mommy and Daddy now know what problems we face and without you we would have gone on to lose more angels and perhaps even believe that we could never be parents.

Today we plan to visit your Great-Aunt and Uncle. Although our relationship with them has not been the best one, Mommy is touched by the care and support they’ve offered us throughout this week. Although part of me feels like I need to stay in and grieve, I know that this is not what you girls would have wanted for me. My heart aches for you every nano-second of everyday and although our visits are short, Mommy finds peace in the support our family is showing us right now.

Love always and forever, a million angel kisses to you Jianna and Emma

Mommy loves you up to the sky and back.

 

Day 7: Finding Peace

Last night as Daddy and I tried to watch some television my mind kept drifting off to what life was like exactly one week ago. Last Friday, Mommy was at the hospital hopeful that the doctors could do something to keep you babies in my tummy. We had agreed that I was going to have a little surgery to sew me up so you angels could stay in my tummy as long as possible.

A week ago this morning, we were forced to make the most difficult decision of our lives. We were faced with 3 options of which the first two were incredibly dangerous for both you and mommy. You see, mommy was fighting an infection deep inside and that little surgery could make the situation so much worse. We had to finally come to terms and accept that you angel babies were not meant to be ours.

As I sit here typing this, I’m overflowing with emotion. Exactly one week ago almost to the minute, Daddy and I decided that the best decision was to give you back to God. I struggle with this every day despite my doctors, friends and family telling me that we made the best decision we could based on the situation we faced.

Mommy just wants you to know that I would have done anything and everything in my power to keep you safe but apparently the universe had different plans for you girls. You were angels from the start and will be heroes in our hearts forever.

Today, Daddy and I plan to finish your scrapbook. Your funeral plans are underway and we want it to be finished in time for your service. We’ve spent almost every night this week making this book for you as a way to help us heal, accept but most importantly connect and develop a relationship with you since we couldn’t do this in life.

I’ve written you poems and Daddy has been ever so patient with me as we cut, glued and organized each and every tangible item we have that belonged to you. We want to preserve your memories forever and thought that this was a beautiful way to do it. We plan on sharing this book with our closest friends and family at your service so they can see how perfect and beautiful you were too.

At 7:39 pm and 8:41 pm today, Mommy will pray. Pray that both you beautiful angels are not suffering and that Nonna is there taking care of you the way I should have been.

Love always,

Mommy

 

 

Day 6: Time Passing Quickly

My lovely girls,

It’s been 6 days since you left us. Those 5 days I spent in the hospital seemed like an eternity and now that you’re gone it seems like time has speeded up.

I’m sorry I haven’t written earlier. I’ve been shocked, angry and too sad to even understand how this all happened. One day I had you beautiful angels growing in my tummy and the next you were gone – taken away from us way to soon.

Your Daddy and I have been crying a lot. We often sit together in silence and cry. We don’t even need to share words because both our hearts ache so deeply for the life we would have had with you.

I’ve placed a picture of you girls on the fridge. I stare at you often and kiss your little faces and heads. Sometimes, I just stand there staring at you in disbelief. You precious angels were perfect and trying to understand why you were taken from us and why God has chosen this path for us is so very difficult.

Mommy is trying to be strong. I try to have faith and believe that you tiny little girls were sent to us for such a short time for a reason. I try to believe. I try to understand and I try to remember every detail of those few short moments we shared together because they are memories I want my heart, hands and lips to never forget.

I created this space to honor you girls. I ache so badly to have you know how loved you are and what a wonderful life we would have given you had the lord chosen to allow you to stay. I plan to write to you often and hopefully Daddy will too.

Although the days keep passing our heartache and loss for you angels is something that will stay in our hearts forever.

Mommy loves you and wishes she could give you each a million kisses.

Until tomorrow my precious angels. xoxo